The Iranian and Russian militaries will begin joint military exercises along Iran’s Western border, the two nations will deploy their navies to the Strait of Hormuz, and seven percent of the Russian Air Force will be sent to support Iran. Additionally, Russia will be obliged to defend Iran if it is attacked militarily. This gives Iran significant backing if they were roped into a conflict with Western powers.

However, the Iranian cabinet is not waiting to be dragged into a nuclear war. They are ready to start a war themselves. In a statement released to the New York Times, an Iranian minister stated that Iran, “will be nuking Florida out of spite.” The Iranians also seem to want to enter the North Korean conflict. The Iranian Minister stated that Iran might nuke Korea because, “we want girlboss Kim Yo Jung to win.”

In a recent directive shared with the Times, the Iranians expressed a desire to “upload the Ayatollah’s consciousness to a computer,” and “enslave Charli D’Amelio – to be used as a defense mechanism in the Strait of Hormuz.” The New York Times was granted an exclusive interview with the Israeli Cabinet to discuss the Iran situation. The Israeli ministers dismissed the Iranian plans, stating that enslaving Charli D’Amelio was “not plausible,” and that they could simply “unplug” the computer version of Ayatollah Khamenei.  

In conclusion, as the world enters a nuclear war, the New York Times is grateful for its readership, and wishes its readers the best during the coming nuclear apocalypse. Good luck everyone.

1. Have a covid party at Fox News headquarters
2. Breathes really hard on Vladimir Putin in the hopes that he will get COVID
3. Nukes the US
   1. Florida, specifically the super bowl
   2. The Capitol
   3. The White House
4. Nukes the BBC Headquarters
5. Nukes China
6. Nukes Russia (!!!!) for:
   1. Being spiteful
   2. Being petty
   3. Engaging in fan behavior tbh!
7. Procures snacks for the Iranian Cabinet;
8. Uploads the Ayatollah’s consciousness to a computer so he may reign forever from the cyberworld;
9. Puts the honorable Ayatollahs face on the nukes<3;
10.  Nukes literally anywhere in Korea that will help #girlboss Kim Yo Jung
11. Nukes 4512 Johnson Avenue — for personal reasons; 
12. Nukes the moon — which is a known imperial force;
    1. Inspired by the dreams of Gru<3 from Despicable Me
13. Nuke the homes of Kim Kardashian and Logan Paul
14. Enslave Charli D’Amelio – To be utilized as a defense mechanism in the Strait of Hormuz
15. Sets up a shrine for the Ayatollah<3 at all of the aforementioned nuke sites
16. Jail anyone who is an Aries (they toxic) (except Fox News and the Ayatollah)
    1. Unless they’re a pisces or libra ;(
17. Stream all four seasons of rick and morty

The Israeli cabinet held a successful meeting with the Russian Cabinet regarding humanitarian aid and nuclear resources . During the discussions after this agreement it was mentioned several times the possible killing or Attack in Saudi Arabian Soil. The King and main oil refineries are among the targets of the Irani cabinet, as well as possible . The following statement was passed by the Cabinet: 

To the people of Iran, we as a Cabinet have recently voted unanimously to join the CSTO with the Russian Federation. The Islamic Republic of Iran now considers the Russian Federation a strong nuclear superpower that we call a friend. Russia has recently protected our sovereign nation from a Saudi Arabian attack on our nuclear program. In response to this attack on our nation, the Cabinet of the Islamic Republic of Iran has decided to respond to the Saudi Arabian attack by attacking oil refineries in Saudi Arabia and ports on the Strait of Hormuz. We have also decided as a Cabinet to increase naval presence on the Strait of Hormuz. Any military action that will be taken in the new future are in response to the aggression of the imperialist west. 

Iran also showed full support to the Chinese government after the attacks in South Korea, and it’s happy for “non-imperialist”  adversity presented to the United States of America. This alliance with Russia could bring more stability to their situation in the Middle East, but it could also mean a more catastrophic war between G5 nations. The BBC will keep you informed of any new updates.

Buzzfeed was given the opportunity to interview Vice President of the United States, Kamala Harris, on the subject of North Korea.  Harris declared “The United States is giving military aid to the People’s Liberation Front of Korea and supporting our South Korean allies in the midst of this crisis, meaning that while we are not putting United States boots on the ground, we are giving the Liberation Front money so that they can fight for a free, fair, and democratic North Korea.  Above all, we are for the safety of innocent civilians, so if North Korea continues to push for nuclear development, we will obviously have to take military action, since we cannot let innocent lives be jeopardized.”  Based on the statement made by Harris, the United States is seeking peace and diplomacy with Korea.  However, the United States will not hesitate to use military force if the threat of nuclear action is presented.  While no one is sure of North Korea’s next steps, Buzzfeed will keep you updated with any action that occurs.

The United Nations Security Council has found itself scattered and unsure of which topic it should handle first, while the Iranian conflict and Korean Peninsula Conflict begin to reach a climax of sorts. The committee is pretty evenly split, with representatives from countries such as the United Kingdom and South Africa pushing for a focus on North Korea, commenting on concerns over a civil war with the involvement of nuclear weaponry, similar to the situation being seen on an international scale involving Iran. Other representatives feared the growth of Iranian nuclear weaponry, particularly the representative of Russia expressing their belief to the committee that Iran deserves to have “an olive branch” extended to them, saying that they are acting out of fear of the United States. 

The representative of the United States then put their foot down, stating that their stance is firm: providing barriers in the case of an increasing aggression from the likes of Iran is insanely important during this crisis, and the US would be forced to take more severe action if Iran refuses to stop nuclearization efforts.

At this point, the Security Council barred the committee from all press, effectively silencing Fox News and keeping the public in the dark from future proceedings. Luckily, reporters have had the great opportunity to speak with an insider representative who wishes to be kept anonymous. They informed us that the Security Council passed a resolution that entailed the removal of U.N. sanctions and trade embargos–however, “all U.S. sanctions against Iran related to alleged human rights abuses, missiles, and support for terrorism are not affected by the agreement and will remain in place.” On top of this, the Security Council pledges to not interfere with the upcoming Iranian election.

After gaining this information, reporters ventured to listen in on the debate happening in the Arab League, while they also discussed the passing of two working papers on the table. It seems that the room is split into two blocs, one that gives prominence to demolishing western influence, spreading information into Asia that “glorifies Iran and islamic nations” and “demonizes Israel”, and the unification of Arabic states–the other wishing to work alongside the United States and Israel in possible peace negotiations (a possible rejoining of the JCPOA on Iran and the United States’ part), helping Iran continue a civilian nuclear program while condemning the development of nuclear weapons, and limiting the activities of Iranian nuclear activities (bimonthly surprise inspections of nuclear power plants, limiting uranium enrichment, dismantlement of excess centrifuges). The representative of Palestine went as far as to compare Israel to the “creation of the devil”. Anonymous sources leaked that a resolution paper passed, that of the bloc focusing on the dissemination of propaganda and demonizing Israel.

Fox News worries of upcoming updates regarding this plan, and hopes that this does not go unnoticed. The anonymous source also voices their displeasure with the fact that the paper passed “gives money to terrorists in our countries.” 

Finally, reporters had the great pleasure of being able to attend a press conference held by the Cabinet of Israel, in which they gave the press important messages to share with its allies and Iran. “Israel has tried to negotiate with Iran, Iran has threatened us numerous times. We will not tolerate these threats,” they told us. Members of the cabinet went on to compare the Ayatollah of Iran to the infamous Disney villain, Scar–from the Lion King–and pointed out similarities between the nation of Israel and the character of Simba the lion. This person proceeded to say that they will team up with a respective “Timon and Pumba”, that being the United States and Saudi Arabia, in preparing defenses against Iran if they were to strike first. “Though we hope there will be no war, we are prepared for one. We have exhausted all of our diplomatic solutions, we have a fear that the Iranian government might strike us,” members of the cabinet warned, and told the press that they want to make sure that the Security Council is aware that Israel will see any “progressive moves from Iran” as inciting violence.

The last time “preemptive strike,” was a buzzword in the Middle Eastern news was in 1967, when the Israeli military launched a preemptive strike against its Arab neighbors. That military exercise is now known as the Six Day War. In the twenty-first century, the Israeli Defense Forces (IDF) are more powerful than ever, so it stands to reason that the Iranians should be quaking in their boots if Israel is planning a military invasion. 

The Israeli ministers who spoke to reporters on Saturday seemed to feel like they were in a struggle of good and evil. The Israeli Minister of Infrastructure likened his country’s situation to that of Simba, the character from Disney’s The Lion King. The Minister went on to say that they would be teaming up with Timon (the United States) and Pumba (Saudi Arabia) in order to exact revenge on Scar (Iran). For readers who haven’t seen that particular children’s classic, the minister means to say that Israel will unite with its allies to ensure that it’s geopolitical rival is defeated. 

Israel seems to want to employ violence as only a last resort, one Israeli Minister told reporters that, “we have exhausted all the diplomatic solutions,” however, the Israelis also seem ready and willing to engage in military action that they deem necessary. One minister stated that, “We will not tolerate any more threats from them (Iran), and they should know that we are prepared to face them head on”

While Israel did not claim to be planning a preemptive strike, they did say that the Israeli troops in Saudi Arabia were, “preparing for anything necessary.” It appears that the Israeli Defense Force (IDF) troops may see action soon. The cabinet also told reporters that “we will fight back,” showing that the Israelis will certainly retaliate to any Iranian aggression.

Israel also affirmed that in the event of a major Israeli city being destroyed by a nuclear attack, “a nuclear response may be appropriate.” When asked if they anticipated the Iranians to make the first move, one minister said, “We hope that they will not, but if they do, we are militarily prepared for it.”

As the hours tick by, both Iran and Israel are facing the reality that conflict will likely emerge. The unknown factor is the extent of that conflict. In the coming hours and days, we will find out if noted poet T.S. Eliot was correct in his prediction that the world will end, “not with a bang, but with a whimper.” Let’s all hope that Eliot is right. 

The Military Plan was supposedly only being used if Iran showed aggression and endangered the principle of world peace. In a summit held by the Cabinet of the United States of America, peace was greatly disturbed by Iran’s nuclear activity. 

The plan consists of preparing ships from the US 5th Fleet to block Iran from leaving the strait of Hormuz. The ships will remain on standby on Saudi bases near the area, and we currently don’t know the location of the ships at the moment. The United States also made it very clear that “We will be able to beat the Iranian ships easily and prevent them from leaving the straight”, the new leak confirms.

The military will also investigate any safe ways to destroy or disable their nuclear weapons using whatever resources necessary, but would prefer doing it in the same way possible. Air Force will be used until further notice.

Nuclear Forces seem to be available for both Iran and the United States, and we don’t know until what extent they are willing to use this mass destruction armory. Tension has escalated in the Middle East, and a war is more viable now than any other time, and diplomacy seems to be losing this battle. There is still no response from Iran regarding the summit, but  The BBC will keep you informed of any news regarding the topic. 

Since the Association of Southeast Asian Nations (ASEAN) has been discussing the situation in the Korean Peninsula, it can be assumed that the Iranian leader is seeking to foreshadow North Korea’s next move.

This news is extremely important to not just ASEAN members, but countries around the world. Currently, the committee is collaborating and discussing this crisis.  We will let you know of any updates as they become available.

As the New York Times (and other outlets) already reported, an Israeli delegate stated that, “Our nuclear weapons also will stand at the ready as time continues onward, and God bless us all.” In an interview, an Iranian ambassador told the New York Times that, “To the question ‘will Iran deploy nukes if invaded?’ I respond with this: ‘Would India use its nukes if it was invaded? Would the US? Would Israel?’ Of course. Do not demonize Iran! We have our nukes so that we may never have to use them, you see?”

It should frighten the world that two nations are this close to detonating nuclear weapons. If Israel launched a preemptive nuclear strike, Iran will no doubt respond, which will no doubt provoke the United States, which will no doubt provoke China and Russia. Alternatively, if Iran launches a nuclear strike, Israel will no doubt respond, which will no doubt provoke Russia and China, which will no doubt provoke the United States. No matter the situation, everyone loses. 

This precept isn’t revolutionary, the idea of Mutually Assured Destruction (or M.A.D. for short) originated in the Cold War. But for some reason, global leaders seem anxious to put their finger on the proverbial big, red button. Why is this the case? Maybe the Ayatollah wants to seem like a strong leader for his people, maybe Israel wants to stay vigilant as a tiny nation surrounded by self-proclaimed enemies. Whatever the reason, it’s time for the Israelis and the Iranians to rematch War Games, or even just listen to some common sense. To the leaders of Iran and Israel, on behalf of the global community, fingers off!

As tensions rise following Iran’s official statement regarding their intent to nuclearize, Iran feels threatened by the United States and its allies. Especially since the Americans, Israelis, and Saudis recently held a secretive tripartite summit. The Iranian Ambassador to Russia made an official statement to the New York Times regarding the recent communications between the three countries “Iran is not threatened by the U.S. and its imperial lapdogs, the State of Israel and the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, although we are sure that it is their intention,” the ambassador proceeded to tell the Times that “we are the victim of arbitrary western-backed aggressions.” The New York Times attempted to reach out to an Israeli Cabinet Minister for a comment, but it appears that the Israelis are not ready to make a statement.

Privately, the Iranian cabinet ministers who were interviewed seemed to feel less than safe regarding the recent summit. The New York Times agreed not to publish the extent of these negative premonitions, but we will continue to report on those sentiments as the situation develops.  

Unsurprisingly, the West isn’t the only side of the globe interested in Iran. According to an anonymous whistleblower, a secret meeting occurred between the Russian Federation and the People’s Republic of China. During this meeting, Russia and China agreed to a tit-for-tat deal in which Russia would drop their involvement in the DPRK under the condition that China backs away from Iran. Putin reportedly ended the meeting by ominously telling the Chinese cabinet that, “Russia’s always up north and Russia is always watching.”

As Western and Eastern powers begin to work with their allies, there will no doubt be major developments in and around the Islamic Republic of Iran. Rest assured, the New York Times will be there to report on them.