The Iranian and Russian militaries will begin joint military exercises along Iran’s Western border, the two nations will deploy their navies to the Strait of Hormuz, and seven percent of the Russian Air Force will be sent to support Iran. Additionally, Russia will be obliged to defend Iran if it is attacked militarily. This gives Iran significant backing if they were roped into a conflict with Western powers.

However, the Iranian cabinet is not waiting to be dragged into a nuclear war. They are ready to start a war themselves. In a statement released to the New York Times, an Iranian minister stated that Iran, “will be nuking Florida out of spite.” The Iranians also seem to want to enter the North Korean conflict. The Iranian Minister stated that Iran might nuke Korea because, “we want girlboss Kim Yo Jung to win.”

In a recent directive shared with the Times, the Iranians expressed a desire to “upload the Ayatollah’s consciousness to a computer,” and “enslave Charli D’Amelio – to be used as a defense mechanism in the Strait of Hormuz.” The New York Times was granted an exclusive interview with the Israeli Cabinet to discuss the Iran situation. The Israeli ministers dismissed the Iranian plans, stating that enslaving Charli D’Amelio was “not plausible,” and that they could simply “unplug” the computer version of Ayatollah Khamenei.  

In conclusion, as the world enters a nuclear war, the New York Times is grateful for its readership, and wishes its readers the best during the coming nuclear apocalypse. Good luck everyone.

The United Nations Security Council has found itself scattered and unsure of which topic it should handle first, while the Iranian conflict and Korean Peninsula Conflict begin to reach a climax of sorts. The committee is pretty evenly split, with representatives from countries such as the United Kingdom and South Africa pushing for a focus on North Korea, commenting on concerns over a civil war with the involvement of nuclear weaponry, similar to the situation being seen on an international scale involving Iran. Other representatives feared the growth of Iranian nuclear weaponry, particularly the representative of Russia expressing their belief to the committee that Iran deserves to have “an olive branch” extended to them, saying that they are acting out of fear of the United States. 

The representative of the United States then put their foot down, stating that their stance is firm: providing barriers in the case of an increasing aggression from the likes of Iran is insanely important during this crisis, and the US would be forced to take more severe action if Iran refuses to stop nuclearization efforts.

At this point, the Security Council barred the committee from all press, effectively silencing Fox News and keeping the public in the dark from future proceedings. Luckily, reporters have had the great opportunity to speak with an insider representative who wishes to be kept anonymous. They informed us that the Security Council passed a resolution that entailed the removal of U.N. sanctions and trade embargos–however, “all U.S. sanctions against Iran related to alleged human rights abuses, missiles, and support for terrorism are not affected by the agreement and will remain in place.” On top of this, the Security Council pledges to not interfere with the upcoming Iranian election.

After gaining this information, reporters ventured to listen in on the debate happening in the Arab League, while they also discussed the passing of two working papers on the table. It seems that the room is split into two blocs, one that gives prominence to demolishing western influence, spreading information into Asia that “glorifies Iran and islamic nations” and “demonizes Israel”, and the unification of Arabic states–the other wishing to work alongside the United States and Israel in possible peace negotiations (a possible rejoining of the JCPOA on Iran and the United States’ part), helping Iran continue a civilian nuclear program while condemning the development of nuclear weapons, and limiting the activities of Iranian nuclear activities (bimonthly surprise inspections of nuclear power plants, limiting uranium enrichment, dismantlement of excess centrifuges). The representative of Palestine went as far as to compare Israel to the “creation of the devil”. Anonymous sources leaked that a resolution paper passed, that of the bloc focusing on the dissemination of propaganda and demonizing Israel.

Fox News worries of upcoming updates regarding this plan, and hopes that this does not go unnoticed. The anonymous source also voices their displeasure with the fact that the paper passed “gives money to terrorists in our countries.” 

Finally, reporters had the great pleasure of being able to attend a press conference held by the Cabinet of Israel, in which they gave the press important messages to share with its allies and Iran. “Israel has tried to negotiate with Iran, Iran has threatened us numerous times. We will not tolerate these threats,” they told us. Members of the cabinet went on to compare the Ayatollah of Iran to the infamous Disney villain, Scar–from the Lion King–and pointed out similarities between the nation of Israel and the character of Simba the lion. This person proceeded to say that they will team up with a respective “Timon and Pumba”, that being the United States and Saudi Arabia, in preparing defenses against Iran if they were to strike first. “Though we hope there will be no war, we are prepared for one. We have exhausted all of our diplomatic solutions, we have a fear that the Iranian government might strike us,” members of the cabinet warned, and told the press that they want to make sure that the Security Council is aware that Israel will see any “progressive moves from Iran” as inciting violence.

As the New York Times (and other outlets) already reported, an Israeli delegate stated that, “Our nuclear weapons also will stand at the ready as time continues onward, and God bless us all.” In an interview, an Iranian ambassador told the New York Times that, “To the question ‘will Iran deploy nukes if invaded?’ I respond with this: ‘Would India use its nukes if it was invaded? Would the US? Would Israel?’ Of course. Do not demonize Iran! We have our nukes so that we may never have to use them, you see?”

It should frighten the world that two nations are this close to detonating nuclear weapons. If Israel launched a preemptive nuclear strike, Iran will no doubt respond, which will no doubt provoke the United States, which will no doubt provoke China and Russia. Alternatively, if Iran launches a nuclear strike, Israel will no doubt respond, which will no doubt provoke Russia and China, which will no doubt provoke the United States. No matter the situation, everyone loses. 

This precept isn’t revolutionary, the idea of Mutually Assured Destruction (or M.A.D. for short) originated in the Cold War. But for some reason, global leaders seem anxious to put their finger on the proverbial big, red button. Why is this the case? Maybe the Ayatollah wants to seem like a strong leader for his people, maybe Israel wants to stay vigilant as a tiny nation surrounded by self-proclaimed enemies. Whatever the reason, it’s time for the Israelis and the Iranians to rematch War Games, or even just listen to some common sense. To the leaders of Iran and Israel, on behalf of the global community, fingers off!

As tensions rise following Iran’s official statement regarding their intent to nuclearize, Iran feels threatened by the United States and its allies. Especially since the American, Israelis, and Saudis recently held a secretive tripartite summit. The Iranian Ambassador to Russia made an official statement to the New York Times regarding the recent communications between the three nations: “Iran is not threatened by the U.S. and its imperial lapdogs, the State of Israel and the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, although we are sure that it is their intention, we are the victim of arbitrary western-backed aggressions,” the ambassador said.

The New York Times attempted to reach out to an Israeli Cabinet Minister for a comment, but it appears that the Israelis are not ready to make a statement.

Privately, the Iranian cabinet ministers seemed to feel less than safe regarding the recent summit. The New York Times agreed not to publish the extent of these negative premonitions, but we will continue to report on those sentiments as the situation develops.  

Unsurprisingly, the West is not the only side of the globe interested in Iran. According to an anonymous whistleblower, a secret meeting occurred between the Russian Federation and the People’s Republic of China. During this meeting, Russia and China agreed to a tit-for-tat deal in which Russia would drop their involvement in the DPRK under the condition that China backs away from Iran. Putin reportedly ended the meeting by ominously telling the Chinese cabinet that, “Russia’s always up north and Russia is always watching.”

As Western and Eastern powers begin to work with their allies, there will no doubt be major developments in and around the Islamic Republic of Iran. Rest assured, the New York Times will be there to report on them.