The situation in North Korea and Iran has escalated; The United States is threatening military force and China has already moved troops to demilitarized North Korean Borders. The DPRK’s government is fighting among themselves, and is not able to win against the united forces of the South and China. Boeing is proud to stand with America and the CIA to protect freedom at home and abroad.

Boeing stands with all Americans in these trying times, and encourages all Americans to have faith in America’s airlines. Readers who use the code “BOEINGUSAFREEDOM” at participating airlines will receive $73.70 off of their flights. And remember: There is no safer way to travel than Boeing!*

*By using the code on eligible flights, you are waiving your rights to sue boeing in the event of further 737 failures. Plus you’d be dead if it happened anyways so who cares? Book that flight you cowards. Boeing cares about AMERICA.

**Also. legally we have to tell you that Boeing has purchased the Chicago Tribune, not out of fear of bad press, but because we LOVE the free press. You can still see all coverage of Boeing on the Chicago Tribune, but really its AirBus you have to watch out for. I think they hire anyone over there. Probably a bunch of idiots.

Suggestions put forth by the board included sabotaging Lockheed Martin by framing them for bombings, blackmailing opposing executives, bombing the headquarters of competitive companies, and telling foreign executives “Your wife cheated on you!” It was not made clear the exact purposes of these actions, but it’s glaringly obvious that the rest of the world is no match for the might of General Dynamics and its pizza-enthusiast executive board.

The Iranian and Russian militaries will begin joint military exercises along Iran’s Western border, the two nations will deploy their navies to the Strait of Hormuz, and seven percent of the Russian Air Force will be sent to support Iran. Additionally, Russia will be obliged to defend Iran if it is attacked militarily. This gives Iran significant backing if they were roped into a conflict with Western powers.

However, the Iranian cabinet is not waiting to be dragged into a nuclear war. They are ready to start a war themselves. In a statement released to the New York Times, an Iranian minister stated that Iran, “will be nuking Florida out of spite.” The Iranians also seem to want to enter the North Korean conflict. The Iranian Minister stated that Iran might nuke Korea because, “we want girlboss Kim Yo Jung to win.”

In a recent directive shared with the Times, the Iranians expressed a desire to “upload the Ayatollah’s consciousness to a computer,” and “enslave Charli D’Amelio – to be used as a defense mechanism in the Strait of Hormuz.” The New York Times was granted an exclusive interview with the Israeli Cabinet to discuss the Iran situation. The Israeli ministers dismissed the Iranian plans, stating that enslaving Charli D’Amelio was “not plausible,” and that they could simply “unplug” the computer version of Ayatollah Khamenei.  

In conclusion, as the world enters a nuclear war, the New York Times is grateful for its readership, and wishes its readers the best during the coming nuclear apocalypse. Good luck everyone.

“In order to reclaim the Italian heritage, we must end the reign of Domino’s,” Smaller Tony said. The ministry is discussing the response to Boeing’s creation of a lightsaber business. 

The new mafia-led ministry hopes to “start a civil war between Domino’s and Papa John’s and turn New Jersey into an empire” Soprano said. The ministry is joining the Boeing Corporation and repeating the mantra “HEY IM WALKING HERE” over and over to “assert their dominance,” Mafia Joe said.

The aforementioned website contains a wide variety of CIMUN merchandise, including shirts, mugs, masks, and hats, all with the CIMUN logo. Many purchases have already been made, but staff continue to push delegates to make purchases, providing a promotional code as well as sketchy incentives for purchases, with Bluebird’s CEO stating that delegate awards will be given on the basis of merchandise purchases.

Since no reporting body can be entirely neutral, the Jerusalem Post has linked below the URL of CIMUN’s much-promoted merchandise website. 

cimunmerch.org

1. Have a covid party at Fox News headquarters
2. Breathes really hard on Vladimir Putin in the hopes that he will get COVID
3. Nukes the US
   1. Florida, specifically the super bowl
   2. The Capitol
   3. The White House
4. Nukes the BBC Headquarters
5. Nukes China
6. Nukes Russia (!!!!) for:
   1. Being spiteful
   2. Being petty
   3. Engaging in fan behavior tbh!
7. Procures snacks for the Iranian Cabinet;
8. Uploads the Ayatollah’s consciousness to a computer so he may reign forever from the cyberworld;
9. Puts the honorable Ayatollahs face on the nukes<3;
10.  Nukes literally anywhere in Korea that will help #girlboss Kim Yo Jung
11. Nukes 4512 Johnson Avenue — for personal reasons; 
12. Nukes the moon — which is a known imperial force;
    1. Inspired by the dreams of Gru<3 from Despicable Me
13. Nuke the homes of Kim Kardashian and Logan Paul
14. Enslave Charli D’Amelio – To be utilized as a defense mechanism in the Strait of Hormuz
15. Sets up a shrine for the Ayatollah<3 at all of the aforementioned nuke sites
16. Jail anyone who is an Aries (they toxic) (except Fox News and the Ayatollah)
    1. Unless they’re a pisces or libra ;(
17. Stream all four seasons of rick and morty